frustrations

Today is the 24th day since the car accident. I am sore, exhausted, and pissed off. I am thrilled to be back moving again physically - I was very restless and antsy, not to mention short-tempered when I couldn't move much at all. Now, I'm just feeling like an alien in my own body.

This is the first injury I haven't "bounced back" from with relative ease. Even the ankle injury in December was cake compared to this. I get mad even writing this because I feel so whiny and annoying complaining about it. But, I can't just push through - it doesn't work.

The 4 day trip to Orlando to judge Contest of Champions Nationals was amazing. It was the right amount of activity to keep me moving forward in recovery, I was surrounded by friends I've known for half my life, and I was in sunny, fabulous Florida. Therapeutic all-around. I had my first full head-ache free day there.

I came home to work-related stresses and some putting out of fires relative to missing classes from the accident, needing to update employers on my status, and jumping back into a full school-week for my lil one. All manageable, just stressful in a different way. I did make some solid decisions about simplifying life - letting go of some classes during the week to give myself more time at home in the evenings to devote to motherhood and overall life balance. Entering the week I felt great mentally and better physically by the day; I had a great sense of being on-track and such. Not to mention some amazing artistic opportunities have come my way that are motivating, satisfying, and challenges I'm thrilled to tackle.

I had my first really full days of typically k.k. life this week, Tues/Wed/Thurs were full-out days of mommy logistics, teaching, rehearsing, business management, and plugging back into a bigger pool of friends and acquaintances. Last night, I slept full and deep (which was excellent and second only to cuddling up to a certain someone).

Today hit me like a ram-truck. My body is screaming, my head is pounding, and I had to reschedule a morning rehearsal and an appointment with my chiropractor. My evening events will happen as planned, as they have to - some things can't be rescheduled, regardless.

I guess I'm just pissed because I am getting treated, I did take the time off, I have simplified, and still... I am in this mental hell - not being able to concentrate for long periods at a time and fighting a headache that will not let go. It makes me angry.

I can already here my spirit saying, "Anger is the gateway to change. Channel your anger into action and make some conscious decisions. You already know the path." At the same time, I want to shout, "Fuck YOU!" I want my brain and body back.

photo copyright Enoch Chan 2007