But, I do

I rediscovered this out of a conversation with my dearest girlfriend... It took many months to be able to put these words down. Now, I'm thrilled to be far away from this place. Most of us have been there once or twice, perhaps you can relate.

k.k. :)


4 December 2006

But, I do


I thought I understood what heartbreak was. I am finding that there are new depths to this pain daily. I feel like I am every cheesy cliché personified.

I observe myself in disbelief. I don’t cry at random quiet moments. I don’t avoid men because the thought of being with them frightens and repulses me. I don’t feel broken and shattered. But, I do.

I don’t wait for him to knock on the door, call, text, or email me - every hour. But I do.

I don’t stop myself from calling, writing, flying, or driving myself to him. But I do.

I don’t need support, advice, girlfriends, assistance, and care. But I do.

I don’t force myself to get out of bed. I don’t struggle between parenting and mourning. I don’t strain for focus and clarity of thought. But, I do.

I don’t claw through the day just to get through it. I don’t wish for the bliss of apathy. But, I do.

I do all of these things. Now. Because of you, and us, and what we are no longer. And what we will never be. And what I no longer have the trust to try. The future I no longer see. The warmth I no longer feel. The love I miss with every passing second.

Every time the clock ticks by, a part of me wilts and crumbles. My soul is folded in on itself and crinkled. If it dries out, it will eventually turn to dust and blow away.

Tiny particles that can never be mended.

I no longer recognize all of myself. I don’t write long-winded descriptions of my emotional state as a soul/dust metaphor. But, I do now.

And I don’t want to, like it, or appreciate this new side of the coin.